Of politicians and prostitutes
"All this talk about "sleazy lobbyists" (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) and their influence on the political process got me thinking about prostitution - again.
And before any of you politicians out there start reaching for the phone, I'm not saying you are prostitutes. We all know that an estimated 30 percent of you aren't.
The fact is, campaigns cost money, and if a guy wants to give you some in return for certain considerations, that's not the same as taking money in exchange for sex - mostly because you don't have to get naked.
Some have suggested (okay ... me, too) that our democratic system of government has suffered as election costs have grown to exorbitant levels, often costing 10 times more than you'll ever earn in the job you're trying to get elected to. Politicians have to spend so much time raising money that they forget about the folks they are supposed to be serving (you know ... you and your mom and dad). Lobbyists in the Sacramento Capitol building, for example, have their own bathroom. They say it's quite nice, complete with a guy who hands out towels, aftershave and cigars. You'd be shocked at how many really important public policies are decided in bathrooms.
According to one source, aggregate costs of the House and Senate campaigns increased eightfold between 1976 and 2000, from $115 million to $1.007 billion, while the cost of living during that same period increased threefold.
"The high election costs and the notion that they are bought and sold are seen as contributors to the public cynicism about the political process," one political pundit recently wrote.
There it is again ... the bought and sold part.
Most smart politicians (a borderline oxymoron) will never admit that they accept goodies for political favors. That's because they really believe most of us are dumb as rocks.
But if a lobbyist for a casino handed me four first-class tickets to Maui, complete with a suite overlooking the swimming pool and a tee-time at the $200-per-round golf course, I'm just guessing he might want something in return.
Like 20,000 slots or so.
I had breakfast with a lobbyist once (I had two eggs, bacon and fries, and I paid the $7.56 bill, by way of full disclosure). His largest client was the Nevada Brothel Association, and he ran a wedding business on the side. You have to love Nevada.
The lobbyist was mad at me for ruining a perfectly innocent fact-finding tour of the now-defunct Mustang Ranch brothel. He'd arranged to have a bunch of Nevada lawmakers visit the brothel for dinner and some "good conversation."
Well ... you can imagine what I thought when I found out about the planned trip. And, no, it wasn't, "Can I come?" It was indignation, or something like that.
"What facts could they possibly want to find on this fact-finding tour?" I wondered in my weekly newspaper column. "Shouldn't these grown men have already been told about the birds and the bees and flowers and the trees?"
I concluded my little missive by suggesting that - with the exception of the degree of pleasure they provide - the politicians and prostitutes might actually have lots in common.
You can imagine the fallout that day. My phone started ringing off the hook. "How dare you compare us to the politicians!" screamed one prostitute.
"How dare you compare us to hookers!" screamed a politician.
"Where exactly is the Mustang Ranch located?" asked the fellow from Iowa.
Except for the time I made up a story about a monster in Lake Tahoe, that was my all-time worst newspaper day.
Finally I got a call from the brothel association lobbyist, who called me names (prude, party-pooper and, I think, Californian) and screamed at me for 15 minutes before offering me a complimentary visit to a brothel if I took it all back.
"I'm not one of those politicians you can just buy and sell!" I shouted back. "But if you happen to have some 49er tickets, I'll consider it."
Actually, I agreed to meet him for breakfast the next day. He was easy to spot - just as you might picture a fellow who does weddings and hookers all in the same day. Black shirt, buttoned down to the middle of a hairy chest, gold chains on his wrists and thick neck, black jeans with a huge rodeo belt buckle that he couldn't possibly have won on a horse.
He ordered black coffee and pulled out a pack of Camel nonfilters.
"What's your problem with legalized prostitution?" he asked straight off the bat.
"Nothing," I said. "It's probably better than illegal prostitution ... isn't it?"
He then spent the rest of my breakfast explaining the "ins and outs" of legalized prostitution, mostly the parts where it's a good way to keep the women safe from pimps.
My "problem," I said, was the need for my political representatives to eat at a whorehouse when they should be ... you know ... working on health-care issues, or maybe even at home watching "Little House On The Prairie."
He eventually called off the tour, standing on the capitol steps to say that he would not "subject these fine men (the guys who were going to go on the tour) to such ridicule."
Obviously, there is an urgent need to return the political process to the people. I believe the Internet will change the landscape significantly over the next several years. Television advertising (which is where most of the big political money is spent) will no longer be the biggest factor. The Web will allow grassroots candidates to flourish, especially if they can connect with the younger voters who surf the Internet looking for porn sites and who might want to take a break.
Once that begins to happen, the lobbyist influence on campaigns will begin to erode.
Until then, we must do what we can to keep the politicians and prostitutes from doing what they do best.
ooo"
Jeff Ackerman
posted by CD @ 1:57 PM
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